This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.
Women clutch each other amidst divorce, one recounting how her soon to be ex-husband got violent with her in front of their son. Another woman sits in the dreary apartment she lives in after an ex-boyfriend convinced her to sell the house she’d saved up for, shortly before breaking things off. She wonders aloud if she’ll find success in her fertility journey. Down the street, a gay guy defends himself from a gang-up by various women to the retired pageant winner. She doesn’t say it, but she hopes another kid will fix her dismal marriage. Maybe she’ll finally convince her husband to turn off the manosphere podcasts and abandon his dream of settling down in Santa Clarita.
Far away and incredibly close, that aforementioned ex-husband comes down from the latest bender in the bar he struggles to keep open. His recently divorced friend can tell he’s strung out, and never more addicted to the many lies he tells himself about the pain he inflicts on those he never loved at all.
Thus goes life in the abyss of Valley Village, California and its surrounding suburbs, meticulously documented on Bravo’s new hit show The Valley. If its predecessor Vanderpump Rules is a text on the failed potential of the millennial generation, then The Valley is a more meditative study on life afterwards, where the same 30 and 40-somethings shuffle about in the shadow of that great tragedy.
The season 2 premiere was hotly anticipated with news that Vanderpump Rules had been cancelled, and replaced almost immediately with a reboot featuring nameless Gen Z aspirants desperate for free PR packages from drop-shipping fronts on Instagram. It was teased what feels like months ago, with editors and producers allegedly scrambling behind the scenes to capture the fallout from star Jax Taylor’s admission he’s a maybe-recovering addict. Thus goes life at Bravo! Cameras these days are bound to pick up after production has wrapped, as the line between podcasts and tabloids and reality TV and life itself blur into an intangible blob.
Shall we talk about the fashions, while we wait for said blob to consume this whole world?
The Valley
The Valley
Kristen Doute
As the undeniable lead of this show, let’s start with Kristen. Here she is in a dress of indeterminable length and unfathomable cut, chain necklace on, smoky eye applied, hair as long as her path towards healing and peace in her life. I wouldn’t want her any other way! The second the cast of this show discovers designer labels or mid-luxury retailers, I quit this job. I need them to dress like the rest of us, since it makes the tragedy on display much more cathartic.
Brittany Cartwright
My heart goes out to Brittany, truly. She is dealing with a legitimate sociopath with no regard for human life or seemingly that of his children and family. She is struggling her way out of his toxic orbit, and I applaud her for that, genuinely.
That said, we simply must stage some sort of sit down with the woman about the dresses she’s handed by stylists or PR reps. This daytime lace-up denim is a real knockout, as is the floor length sweater dress with a gold clasp. But must we as a generational cohort be defined by our scoochie dress obsession forever? I say this as a woman who lives in a little skintight black shortie for half the year, a fact I’m not very proud of and not very keen to change! Likewise, while we’re here, can we talk about the proliferation of the suburban smokey eye?
Janet Caperna
I have seen many applications of the red lip on television. I have seen the Ruby Woo years fade into the twilight of the King Kylie lip kit era. I’ve seen drag queen makeup brands become household names, NYX and e.l.f. come back into vogue. I’ve seen the Jeffrey Stars and James Charles and Tati Westbrook’s rise and fall like empires long since crumbled to dust. And still, if you crawl into a TJ Maxx somewhere in Toluca Lake, there’s Janet Caperna, buying the artifacts on sale in the beauty department and shopping for shift dresses.
Jasmine Goode
The beauty of The Valley cast is they hold no pretense about themselves. This is not The Real Housewives, and it isn’t even Summer House. It’s The Valley, a cold and lonely place where we wear t-shirt dresses in the confessional booth. That said, Jasmine is stunning, looks stunning, and I hope we see more of her girlfriend integrated into the actual show. They both deserve it!
Jax Taylor
As if his unending press tour about what an abusive husband he’s been wasn’t enough, the man is going to spend an entire season of The Valley parading around in merch for his bar. It’s a bar, mind you, that he and his business partners named after himself. Funny how the snake eats its own tail on Bravo, considering Tom Schwartz and Tom Sandoval’s own self-branded bar just closed thanks to its association with their names. We’ll see if Jax’s Studio City can survive domestic violence allegations, rehab and a season of reality television villainery.
Daniel Booko, Jax Taylor and Jesse Lally
The men on this show have a suiting problem, because the men on this show think suiting is the sort of thing that makes you seem put together. It doesn’t, much like most things men on reality television wear, and certainly not whatever is on display here. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Dress up! It’s television! But Los Angeles is the realm of laid-back menswear, knits, linens, hats, vests, t-shirts and interesting shorts and trousers. So why on God’s green-for-now Earth have we all shown up to film our confessionals in heavy, ill-fitting suits with wrinkles and undone collars? Huh?
And as for Jesse, I simply can’t spend an entire season watching the man parade around in slacks the color of LulaRoe leggings with his shirt at half mast. Sorry!
Nia Booko
My beautiful queen Nia also wore a shirt dress, as far as I can tell. Thankfully, her makeup is softer than that of her castmates, and this slicked back hair with the delicate blush is quite nice, I think! Especially for a mother on the go! My personal favorite are the sensible pearl hoop earrings. Perfect for a quick drive to the good Target in Woodland Hills to pick up more Mossimo blazers for her husband.
Zack Wickham
If I send you these images, it’s because I’m about to be evil and gay. That’s how that tweet goes, right? On the topic of knits in menswear, Zack here paired his knit top with a white undershirt, pink blazer and white pants. I commend him on the effort, even if he looks like a side character in The Other Two while main character Carey sets up a joke about gay guys from Kentucky. At least his hair dye is less noticeable this season, although I wish he’d just let himself go gray. It’d give him an edge he sorely needs, in my humble opinion.
Michelle Saniei
There’s something about this lamé effect dress that screams 2010s to me, maybe because I had a gold dress from American Apparel in similar fabric I’d wear when I was feeling particularly spicy. I probably wouldn’t mind it so much, had she paired it with a more contemporary hairstyle, or makeup, or even some statement jewelry. As is, the whole look just feels dated to me. I want more from my girl, considering I look forward to watching her step all over Jesse this season as their divorce unfolds.
Speaking of dated and divorced behavior, here she is at what could only be a The Great Gatsby-themed event. God, nothing screams the end of the millennial era like a themed party about The Great Gatsby!
Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal